Fact Check: 'Two and a Half Men' Christmas Episode Claim Analysis

[music] Hey, Alberta. Merry Christmas. >> Thank you, Charlie. You're very

generous. >> Well, I just want you to know that I appreciate all your hard work

>> and I appreciate you pretending I work hard. [laughter]

>> Hey, you feeling lucky? >> What do you got in mind? >> My Christmas bonus. Double or nothing

that Zerick makes the field goal. >> Are you crazy? That's 52 yards. He hasn't made one that long all year.

>> I got a hunch. And you got a bet. >> There's the snap. The ticket is up. It's long enough, but wide. It's no good.

Zick missed another one. >> Well, happy birthday, Jesus. [cheering and applause]

>> Told you. >> No biggie. Easy come, easy go. >> Sorry.

>> Looks like the grandkids are getting beef jerky and lotto scratches this year. [laughter] Here.

>> You're too kind. >> Don't mention it. >> You got a big heart.

>> Thank you. >> Double or nothing. They don't make the first down.

>> 28 29 30 Oh, hell. She ain't going to miss one. [laughter]

>> Hey, Russell. Well, hey, Charlie. You want a muscle relaxer? You take one with Viagra, you're essentially Gumby with a

pokey. [laughter] No thanks. I actually have a prescription from a doctor.

>> Whoa, look at you following the letter and spirit of the law. Sleeping pills. Those can be fun. You

know, with a couple Red Bulls so you don't fall asleep. The

>> party is over, Russell. I need to get some sleep. >> Well, then you don't want this.

>> Nope. You want something organic, something created by mother nature. What do you got in mind?

>> Gotcha. [laughter] >> Actually, this is the first time I've touched the stuff since a Zezy Top

concert in '92. >> I got so paranoid, I locked myself in a portaotty and tried to tunnel home.

>> Well, good news. Pot's a lot stronger now. >> What do you think?

>> I've rolled better joints on the back of a motorcycle while digging a bullet out of my boyfriend's shoulder. [laughter]

All right, fine. You try it, man. I hope this helps me sleep. I can't take another night wandering around the

house thinking about Chelsea. >> Yeah. Yeah. Boohoo. Let's fire up this bad boy.

[laughter] >> I love you, Berna. >> I love you, too, Charlie.

Give me $1,000. >> Why? Well, if you have to ask, you don't really love me. [laughter]

>> Oh. Oh, and and and pretzels. GET SOME PRETZELS. >> PRETZELS. WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING

PRETZELS. [laughter] >> OH, MAN. I am so lucky to have her in my

life. >> You've had a lot of wonderful women in your life,

but you always find a way to sabotage the relationship. [laughter] >> Chelsea, she's right, Charlie.

If there's a way it can be blown, you'll blow it. And not in a fun way. [laughter]

>> Yeah. >> Tell me something, Charlie. Do you think your inability to commit and all your

macho posturing is because deep down you're afraid you're gay? [laughter] >> You know, I wondered that, too. Are you

just a big old mo? >> He's not a mo. He's got mommy issues. Lots and lots of mommy issues.

[laughter] >> Lydia. Hey, it's Lydia. Excuse me.

Why does everyone blame the mother? Frankly, I think you were more on target with that homo theory. [laughter]

>> Okay, I don't want to be high anymore. You're not here. You're not here. None of you are here.

>> Wow. So, this is the bedroom. >> I never got past the couch. >> What are you complaining about? I never

got out of the car. [laughter] >> He did me in a little church in Van Ice. right in the pew. [laughter]

>> I would never let him do me in the pew. [laughter] >> He dumped me when I said I love you.

>> He dumped me when he saw my penis. >> Me, too. [laughter] >> And he never called me again.

>> Why, Charlie? Why didn't you call? >> I was busy. I lost your number. I was out of town. You had a penis.

You I don't know what that thing was. [laughter] >> This isn't happening. This isn't

happening. >> Hey, Charlie. [laughter]

>> Oh, Rose. Not you, too. >> We're not. Me, too. [laughter] >> Look, I'm really sorry about our one

night stand. I know I should have called you. >> Yes, you should have.

>> Tell you what, after I come down off this stupid pot, how about I call the real you and take you out on a proper

date, tell you how much you mean to me, how much you've always meant to me. >> The real me would like that very much.

>> All I COULD FIND WAS DONUTS AND CHALOPUS. HEY, ROSE.

WAIT, you can see her? >> Yeah. Why can't you? >> Something wrong?

>> Yeah. While you were in the bathroom, uh Chelsea called.

>> Really? >> Apparently, things didn't go well in Mexico and she's coming home.

>> That's a shame. >> Yeah. Anyway, she wants to see me since she loves me and misses me.

>> So, one call and you're just going to go running back. >> Um, yeah.

[laughter] >> Well, this is awkward.

>> Come on. You know how I feel about her. >> I do. >> So, we should probably keep what

happened tonight just between us, right? Mums the word, zip the lip, ix nay on the auggy day aisle steak. [laughter]

>> Of course. >> And you know, we could just pretend that you didn't

get the phone call for like another hour. >> We couldn't, couldn't we? [laughter]

>> But wouldn't that be wrong? >> I won't tell if you don't.

I'm sorry, Gail. I can't I can't justify it to myself. >> Okay. Well,

>> can I at least kiss you good night? >> Sure. [laughter]

>> On the other hand, there's no arguing with a boner. [laughter] God, I missed you.

>> I missed you, too. >> Hey, Charlie. >> Hey. [laughter]

>> I know a guy. 10 grand. You'll never have to see Zippy again. >> 10 grand?

>> Actually, he charges 500, but there's a finder fee. [laughter] >> Alan, dinner's on the table.

>> Coming. You're a great cook, Mrs. Maroy. Jake, I told you. Call me Lindsay. >> This ma'am,

>> you are such a sweetie. You could learn something from him. >> Suck up.

>> Suck up with a drumstick. >> Hey, I I noticed this old pipe on the mail. It's a beauty.

>> Oh, it was my grandfather's. >> Oh, wow. They don't make them like this anymore.

>> Hello, boys. How about a little orange juice with your dinner? [laughter]

>> Is he high? >> I wish. >> I love a man with a pipe. You should get

some tobacco for it. >> Your dad's going to smoke a dead guy's pipe.

>> Yeah. At least he didn't get hair plugs and run off of my babysitter like your dad.

>> Ow. Ow. Now, boys, behave yourselves. Or I'll pull out my bub belt. [laughter] >> Alan, sit down. Uh, white meat or dark

meat? >> I'll take a breast. >> Is that supposed to be somebody?

>> It's been Crosby. Oh, [laughter] >> who? Ping Crosby. The black guy with the

sweater used to have a TV show. >> That's Will Smith, dumbass. [laughter]

Huh, that's weird. >> [music]

[bell] [laughter] >> Hey, Charlie.

>> Oh, boy. >> Isn't this nice eating together as a family?

>> It certainly is, mother. [laughter] Maybe afterwards we can gather around the fireside and sing a song or two.

[laughter] >> Seriously, Alan, that's not funny anymore.

>> And don't call me mother. Sorry. >> And in this house, we don't talk on the

phone during dinner. >> Oh, right. Yeah. Um, terrific rule. But, uh, but I just have to take this.

Hey, Charlie. What's up? Oh, she's there now. What? What do you want me to do?

We're all going to die. Charlie, [laughter] no. No, no. Don't send her over here.

No, I I I'll be right there. Just give me a minute. Okay, let me tell you something. This is

now my house, too. If I want to talk on the phone, I'm going to talk on the phone.

>> What's wrong with you? >> Don't you nag me, woman. [laughter] >> Where are you going?

>> I am going to take a drive and and cool off, mother.

>> Okay, I'm just going to go home and get some things. I'll be back in a little while.

>> Great. >> That's really getting annoying. >> Do me a favor. Talk me through this.

>> Excuse me. >> What's your strategy? Explain it to me, Lucy.

>> Okay. Admittedly, I may have overplayed my hand a little >> a little. You're living with Lindsay and

you asked Melissa TO MOVE IN HERE. YEAH, I got to work on that. Um, so listen, when Melissa comes back, uh,

make some sort of excuse. Oh, what? You mean like I was cruising Ventura Boulevard for an old shirtless

hunchback? >> Yeah, not my finest moment. You're experienced at that kind of

thing. >> No, no. I'm experienced at promiscuity. This is polygamy.

And frankly, I find it extremely distasteful. Oh. Oh. Oh. This you find distasteful? The man who was asked to

leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful. That was a

misunderstanding. [laughter] >> I had no idea it was an endangered species.

>> Grandma smell her anyway. Hug her anyway. Pretty

catchy, huh? >> So's gorrhea. [laughter] >> Drinking from the well of bitterness,

are we? >> I just don't understand what kind of spiteful god could allow my drunken

whoreonger of a brother to become a children's singing star while I toil away in in povertystricken anonymity.

>> You want to talk to me about toiling away in povertystricken anonymity? >> No. Sorry. I'm sure you've got it worse

than I do. Whoa. Whoa. I wouldn't go that far. [laughter] >> What I'm trying to say is there's

another way to look at this. >> What's that? >> We're all in this together. Your

brother's success is our success. His home is our home. And most importantly, when he's got a load on, his car is my

car. [laughter] >> Hey, Ba. Guess what? I got another big royalty check.

>> Oh, honey. Good for you. Why don't you celebrate with a drink? >> I think I will. [laughter]

>> Hey, Alan, guess what? >> Yeah, I heard another big check. Yay. [laughter]

You know what's a great place to pick up single moms? The parking lot of Chuck-E-Cheese.

You didn't. And not just moms, nannies, aunts, and a couple of very doable grandmas. [laughter]

>> Do you have any shame? >> No. Why? [laughter] >> Hello.

Hang on. Who loves kids? [laughter] Oh, hey Arty. Just got the check. Thanks. What's up?

Sure. I'll sign some CDs. Where? They got bookstores just for kids. Who knew? Everyone but you.

Okay, I'll be there. Thanks a lot, Pal. And guess what? >> There's no God.

>> Oh, on the contrary, there is a God. And he loved me a long time. [laughter] >> Who barfed in the fish bowl? Who could

it be who barfed in the fish bowl? Oh, wait. It's me. Fish food. Are you sending us to military school?

>> No. >> Why would you think that? >> I don't know. 16 years of bargain pizza

with fake cheese and Sam's Club vanilla wafers for dessert. [laughter]

>> I don't want to go to military school. >> No one's going to military school. >> But there is uh something we wanted to

talk to you about. >> Here it comes. Relax. It's good news, Alan.

>> All right. Uh, as you both know, uh, Lindsay and I have been dating now for 6 months.

>> Oh, man. Did he knock you up? >> No. Just be quiet and listen. >> Anyway, uh, we've both grown very fond

of each other during that time. >> You are using protection, right? [laughter]

>> That's none of your business, but I'm glad you're paying attention in health class. Uh, but what I'm trying to say is

that Lindsay and I have decided to live together. >> I don't think Uncle Charlie's going to

like that. He's never been real pleased that you and I moved in. [laughter]

>> Uh, no, no, no. We're going to live at Lindsay's and Eldridge's house. >> But I stay here, right? [laughter]

>> No. When you're not at your mom's, you'll be with us. >> So, I'm losing my weekend beach house.

[laughter] >> Yeah, but you're gaining a whole family. >> I'd rather have a weekend beach house.

>> [laughter] >> Do I have to share my bathroom with him? >> Eldridge,

>> what's wrong with sharing a bathroom with me? >> I like my privacy.

>> Yeah, we all know what that's about. >> Jake, you're Mr. Whackle, not me. >> Yeah, well, at least I don't watch gay

porn. >> That was a total accident. I don't want to live with him.

>> Well, you don't have to worry about it cuz I'm not going. >> Guys, guys, come on.

>> No, forget it. I mean, it's bad enough you're sleeping with this loser. >> Aldridge,

>> are you calling my dad a loser? >> You call him a loser all the time. >> He's my dad. I'm allowed.

Well, uh, Jake, technically you're not allowed. Is it okay for me to call your mom what you call her?

>> What do you call me? >> Okay, we've gotten off track here. >> Who's ready for cupcakes?

>> Screw you and your cupcakes. >> Yeah, I'll just uh take one for later.

[laughter] Are again. The skies above are clear again. I'm getting rid of the queer

again. Happy [laughter] days again. >> Hey. Hey there. Oh, there.

>> What are you doing? >> Just thought I'd help you get a jump on the packing.

>> Oh. Oh, well, you can unpack cuz I'm not leaving. >> What? No.

>> The boys just won't go along with it. >> You're giving those two morons a vote? >> It's too traumatic. You know, turning

their lives upside down. >> So, let them be traumatized. That's the trouble with kids these days. Not enough

trauma. >> [laughter] >> Charlie, I'm sorry. I know you were

looking forward to having the house back to yourself, but it's just not going to happen.

>> Oh, it's going to happen. As God is my witness and by all that's holy, it's going to happen.

>> Amen. Keep packing. [laughter] >> He couldn't spell miscellaneous. >> It's my life in my house. I don't need

your permission. >> I don't care. I'll just go live with dad and Stephanie.

>> Oh, won't that be nice? You'll be reunited with your old babysitter. >> Excuse us. Walk.

>> Dude, don't dude me. I'm in no mood for dude. [laughter] >> Dude, don't dude him, dude. [laughter]

>> All right. What's this I hear about you guys not wanting to live together? >> I want my privacy and I think things are

fine. >> It was a rhetorical question. I don't give a rat's ass. [laughter]

Now, the happiness of your parents is at stake here. So, we're going to reason this out like adults in the interest of

all involved. >> Here's $500. [laughter] Split it up any way you want.

>> Nice. >> And that's just a down payment. There's an extra hundred in there for every

month you keep my brother out of my house. >> $100 a month? That's like a $1,000 a

year [laughter] >> almost. Do we have a deal?

>> Deal. Great. I should write a book on parenting. [laughter]

>> How are we supposed to split this? >> I don't know, dude. No matter how I figure it, there's going to be one left

over. [laughter] >> My god, Alan. I can't believe you're sleeping with Lindsay Mroy.

>> You're sleeping with Lindsay Mroy? My man? How could you do that?

>> Yeah. How? Don't leave anything out. [laughter] >> Well, it just happened. I mean, her son

and Jake are friends, which is how we met, and we, you know, hit it off. >> You don't sleep with your son's friend's

mother? >> No. No. You marry his pediatrician. [laughter]

[applause] [cheering] >> He's got you there, sweetie.

You know, there's a rumor going around that Lindsay was in a softcore porn movie before she got married.

>> Really? Which one? >> I don't know, but I've been checking Cinemax every night for months.

>> Oh, I love their stuff. >> It's classy, right? A little story, nice lighting. You never have to see the

guy's junk. >> What is wrong with you? [laughter] >> You don't like seeing that stuff either.

[laughter] >> Charlie, would you like some pizza? >> No thanks. I'm kind of on a health kick.

[laughter] >> Didn't you tell me he quit drinking? >> He actually thinks he did. [laughter]

>> Hello. Oh, hey herm. What's up? >> Really? >> Right now?

>> Hang on. [cheering] [laughter]

>> Are you sure? Wait, Mary Lindsay. Mhm. >> Never mind.

>> You're right. It's her. [clears throat] [laughter] [applause]

>> Okay. Her. Thanks. Great. Great. Have a nice shower. [laughter] Boy, she sure does like the whipped

cream. [laughter] >> All right. Well, we've circled back around to hockey scores, so

>> time for sex. And what kind of sex does Charlie want? >> Oh,

[laughter] to pick. It's kind of like BaskinRobins. You know, if they charged $1,000 a

scoop, >> and sprinkles are way extra. [laughter] >> Well, I guess if I have to choose, my

favorite kind of sex is makeup sex. >> You're kidding. >> Oh, it's great. Here's how we do it. I

will do or say something that will really irritate you. >> I can imagine that happening.

>> Then we'll have an argument which will escalate into a fight. You'll sout. Then after a couple of minutes, we'll look at

each other and realize we're being silly and how lucky we are to have each other. Then I will take you in my arms and

we'll hump our brains out. >> Fine. How do we start? >> Let me think. All right. Go in the

bathroom and look in the sink. [laughter] >> What?

Just just do it. Trust me. [laughter] >> Oh god, it's disgusting.

>> Good. Go with that. >> Would it kill you to rinse out the sink after you shave?

>> Sorry. >> All right, I forgive you. >> No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not yet.

Make me work for it. [laughter] Okay. >> Damn it, Charlie. You're the most

thoughtless man in the world. >> Oh, come on. I'll rinse out the sink when I brush my teeth.

>> You haven't brushed your teeth yet. What kind of a pig are you? [laughter] >> Nice touch.

But just remember, you're not really mad about the whiskers. You're mad cuz I don't listen to you and I don't like

your friends and I said snide things about your mother. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, when do we get to

the humping our brains out? >> Oh, we're not even close. This goes on for hours.

>> [cheering] [laughter] >> Take this and pretend like you're

working. >> Oh, sweetie. I don't have to pretend. >> What you feeling about slapping some

greasy skin cream all over your face? >> Where you going with this? [laughter] >> I'm just talking skin cream. What do you

think? Some kind of freak? [laughter] Okay, but I'm not that kind of freak. [applause]

>> [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

>> Where are you going? [laughter] >> I told you I I've got a date. >> And I told you I'm not going to be

responsible for your kid. >> Oh, you don't have to be responsible for him. Just let him see you. You know, the

illusion of adult supervision. >> No, no, no, no. I got plans of my own. So, if you're going to go, take a kid

with you. >> Please, Charlie. I I booked a beautiful hotel room and I put it on the credit

card so there's no refund. >> What do you mean a credit card? I'll pay you back. I swear.

>> Come on. It's just for one night. I don't ask for much. >> Don't ask for much. You're a human tip

jar. [laughter] I'm begging you. I already took the seais. I Please don't make me stay home

with a boner. >> You were going to make me stay home with a boner? [laughter]

>> Okay. Okay. Think about this. If it works out with me and Lindsay, I might be able to move out of your house and

into hers. >> Don't do that, Alan. Don't toy with my heart.

All right. All right. Tell you what. Go tell Jake to pack a bag. I'll drop him off at his mom's.

>> Now you're making sense. >> Sorry. Sorry. SORRY. >> THIS ISN'T OVER.

[laughter] >> I'm never going to drink again. >> Quitter. [laughter] Charlie. Oh, right.

Data boy. Here's your waste basket. I rinsed it out, but there are still some tiny

chunks in the weave. Maybe you could use your dad's water pick.

>> Give the kid a break for his hung over. >> Oh, the poor deer. [laughter]

Next time, tell your friends to puke out the window. [laughter]

Want to know a surefire hangover cure? Never stop drinking. >> [laughter]

>> Charlie, let me finish or never start in the first place. See how I turned that around? Bring it

home, Dr. Cosby. >> All right. For starters, you and Eldridge stole beer that did not belong

to you. That is not how I raised you. >> You need to talk about Brad. >> No. No, we don't. I'm sorry. I trust

you, and I was totally and completely wrong to think there might be something going on between you two. Thank you for

that. >> You're welcome. >> Okay, let's go home.

>> Hold on. I do have a confession to make. >> Oh, this is never good. >> The reason I got so upset by the things

you said was because, well, you kind of touched a nerve. >> Yeah, I do that. I'm a nerve toucher.

Runs in the family. [laughter] >> Okay, well, confession's over. You forgive me, I forgive you. Let's go

home. >> I'm not done. Ah crap. [laughter]

>> Thing is, I was kind of attracted to Brad. >> He's a great guy and we have a lot in

common. He loves his family and really cares about his friends and his community.

>> I'm taking from your tone that stuff's important to you. >> Yes, Charlie. It's important to me.

>> Okay. Did you and Brad do anything >> other than talk?

>> Of course not. Nothing's happened. Oh, >> thank God. >> But while I do love you, I need to know

you care as much as I do. >> I do. >> You say that, but are you willing to

really work on our relationship? >> Of course I am. We can start doing things together, community things, you

know, with the the the the kids that are poor and the old people that fall and can't get up.

>> [laughter] >> What about your family? >> I get a new family.

[laughter] I'm >> tell I can change. I can be a better

man. The man you want me to be. And I promise you. Excuse me.

[laughter] >> Oh my god. >> I am so so sorry.

>> You threw up on my baby. >> Anyway, to be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine. Away from him, you

kid. >> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [crying and laughter]

>> Cute kid. Charles, [crying]

[laughter] >> I just got a call from Chelsea. >> Yeah.

>> She said she wants to postpone the wedding. >> I know.

I'm sorry. >> Thanks. >> Believe it or not, I do love you and I

hate to see you hurt. >> Yeah, well, I guess I kind of had it coming.

>> But you tried. >> I did. I just have one question.

>> What's that? >> Did you really vomit on a baby? Don't beat yourself up too much. We've

all done that. No kidding. Of course,

most of us do it on our own babies. [laughter] >> Kind of like high school, huh?

>> I never did this in high school. >> Really? Sex in a car? You kind of built for it.

>> What the heck is this? >> Oh, Jake's retainer. He lost this years ago. This cost me like $500.

Anyway, >> no. This is not working for me. >> You want another wine cooler?

>> No, I want to be in a real bed. >> Well, what do you want me to do? You won't stay at Charlie's.

>> How can I go back there after his fianceé called me a >> Oh, come on. She didn't mean it. That

was just heat of the moment when she found out you'd slept with Charlie. >> That doesn't bother you, does it?

>> Well, yeah. Yeah, a bit. You know, but you know, beggars can't be choosers. >> And I love you. [laughter]

>> No, not here. >> Well, then where? I mean, I I'd be more than happy to go back to your place if

you could just get past that little incident with your mother. >> Little incident? I caught you in bed

with her. >> Boy, you are just going to keep harping on that, aren't you?

Why don't we just go to a hotel? >> Uh, well, we we could, but wouldn't that feel kind of cheap?

>> I'll tell you what feels kind of cheap. You >> What are you doing?

>> I'm getting out of here. >> What? You're going to walk home? >> Oh, it's not far, Alan. You didn't want

to waste the gas, remember? >> Pardon me for being green. >> Goodbye.

>> Oh, come on, Melissa. Let's not ruin a beautiful evening. I already broke the seal on the condom.

[laughter] >> All right. All right. ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN. YOU WIN. I'LL TAKE YOU TO a cheap

motel. >> Oh, great. >> Stand up and put your hands behind your

head. >> Uh, I I can explain this. >> Hands behind your head.

>> This is not what it looks like. I I I was just chasing this girl who jumped out of my car.

[laughter] >> Here, kitty kitty. He's probably hiding because he thinks

you're mad at him. >> For God's sake, Chelsea, the cat doesn't think anything except maybe, m fish.

I'll eat it. Or, ooh, sand. I'll crap in it. >> You're wrong. He's very intelligent and

very intuitive. He knows you resent him living here. >> Thank you, Chelsea. But I can defend

myself. >> I was talking about my cat. >> Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. M fish. Yum.

>> Okay, I'm going to work. Feel better. >> Thanks. How's the shoulder?

>> The shoulder's fine. I'm just hoping to get a little old poor Charlie tonight. >> Oh, poor Charlie.

>> Yeah, you know. Oh, poor Charlie. I feel bad about your shoulder, so you just lie still while I provide you with

a series of intense orgasms. [laughter] Wow. I don't know what to say other than oink.

>> Is that a car? Can I drive? Can I drive? >> Relax. It's just Chelsea going to work. >> Oh, Uncle Charlie. You need to go

anywhere? >> Yeah. Away from you. >> All right, I'll drive you.

>> You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes? >> Yes, please. >> It's good that he's polite. It's a

necessary quality and a door man. >> Was that a yes or a no? That was a no.

>> So the doorman thing was an insult. >> Yes. >> Oh,

>> Alan, I do not want a cheap album. What is very possibly my last wedding? >> He's always been stingy. I remember once

when he was a little boy, he accidentally swallowed a quarter. Refused to poop for a week. [laughter]

>> Mom, for God's sakes. This is my future stepsister. >> Oh, relax, Alan. I think it's cute.

>> Cute. He's so tight. I wouldn't have been surprised if only two dimes came out. [laughter]

>> Mom, I'm begging you. >> Would you feel any better if I told you something embarrassing about me?

>> Yes. >> Promise not to laugh. >> Promise.

>> All right. [clears throat] I have never in my life refused to poop. [laughter]

You are so mean. I love you. >> [laughter] >> I think I liked it better when you two

didn't get along. >> Well, those days are over. Once I saw how happy Evie makes my father, I could

have married her myself. >> A thank you, sweetheart. And you're like the daughter I never had.

>> Not that he didn't try. [laughter] >> You should have seen him parading around in my earrings and my high heels. Look

at me, mommy. I'm pretty. [laughter] He wasn't, of course. Oh, darling. I'm just teasing you.

You're all man. >> Thanks, >> Charlie. I've studied psychology for

eight years and been a patient for 20. [applause] >> Your brother is exhibiting all the

classic signs of clinical depression. >> What are you saying? You think he might try to hurt himself?

>> The important question is, do we stop him? [laughter] >> Oh, like I'm the only one here thinking

that. >> [laughter] >> All right. I didn't want to have to do

this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. >> What are you going to do?

>> Something I hoped I'd never have to. >> You don't mean. >> I'm afraid so.

>> Hello, Mom. [laughter] >> Oh, God. What plague have you set upon

me now? >> Alan, it's mommy. [laughter] Good one.

>> Oh, my poor darling. How are you holding up? >> How do you think? I blew another

marriage. I wasted all my money. I'm a complete and utter failure. >> Oh, sweetie, you just can't see the big

picture, can you? >> What big picture? every foolish choice you've made, every wasted opportunity,

every hapless misstep in your sad, misbegotten life. >> I know. I know. It's an opportunity to

learn and grow. >> Well, perhaps, but more importantly, it's a reflection on me.

>> Oh, it's good to see you, Mom. >> I'm not finished. >> Of course not. [laughter]

>> There is a silver lining in this dark cloud. I can't wait to hear about it. [laughter]

>> You're all alone. You're penniless and you have no prospects.

>> Are we at the silver lining part yet? [laughter] >> Yes. Short of contracting a flesheating

disease, things couldn't possibly get any worse. [laughter] You've hit rock bottom. You have nowhere

to go but up. >> You know what? You're right.

You're self-obsessed, insensitive, and soul sucking, but you're right. [laughter]

I have stared into the abyss, and I'm still here. I I I've had my heart shattered and then and then

shattered again, and I'm still here. I've taken every piece of crap that life could throw at me, and I'm still here.

>> Well, we don't have to turn this into an evening with Liza Minnelli. [laughter] Now, get washed, get dressed, get on

with your life, >> okay? >> And remember, no matter what, I'll

always love you. >> I know. Thanks. >> Don't thank me, sweetheart. I'm your

mother. I have to love you. [laughter] >> What do you think? >> Looks like pretty standard boilerplate.

It basically says that once your swim team's off the bus, you're no longer the coach. [laughter]

>> All right, let's see. Where do I sign the old John Hancock, if you [laughter] will?

Are you sure you want to? You're giving up the rights not only to your sperm, but to any children that might result

from them. It >> I understand. Do you? Once you sign, Mia can do whatever she wants with it. Them.

She can use it, resell it, freeze it, put put it on eBay. [laughter] I don't care if she uses it to her

bathtub. Once the boys reach escape velocity, they're on their own.

Let's see. It's out of my hands, so to speak. [laughter] I got it.

Okay, I'll be back in two shakes. [laughter] Three if it's cold in there.

>> [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

>> Charlie, you okay? [laughter] Charlie,

>> what? Well, you've been in there a long time. How's it going? How do you think it's

going? >> Well, I don't know if this will help. Um, but sometimes when I was married, I

used to pretend that I was having sex with a completely different woman. >> Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping

uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along. >> Excuse me. I was just trying to help.

>> Yeah, well, I was just trying to have SEX WITH A CUP. >> Don't think of it as a cup. Think of it

as a a polyurethane lap dancer. [laughter] >> Get out. I'm going.

>> There's only a few reasons why an ex calls. One, they're doing great and want to rub your nose in it. Or two, they're

doing lousy and need to borrow money. Or three, they've got money from knocking over a laundromat and want to hide under

your trailer until the heat's off. [laughter] It happens.

[laughter] >> Okay. Okay. How about four? She misses you and wants to try again. What is it?

She's going to try to change me into something I'm not. To get me to stop drinking, smoking, gambling? To rescue

me from the barren, loveless abyss my life has become? >> [laughter]

>> What? >> You know what I think? I think you were never happier than when you were with

Mia. You still have feelings for her and you're just afraid to admit it. >> You are so wrong. You couldn't be more

wrong. Believe that guy. >> You want the truth? >> No, probably not.

>> Good call. Oh, by the way, here's the 20 bucks I owe you. Okay, I haven't sampled anything from

the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin. [laughter]

Interesting turn of events, huh? your brother hitting one of your handme-downs and the way things are going. You

couldn't get laid if you painted your penis to look like money. [laughter] >> I think I haven't tried.

>> I'm reminded of the tale of the tortoise in the hair. [laughter] >> Isn't there something you could be

doing? >> Well, I could go rub some oil on her, but I don't trust myself.

[laughter] >> Please don't take this the wrong way, but it's been a long time for me, and

you're starting to turn me on. [laughter] I'm out of here.

>> Hi, Ba. >> Hey, baby. [laughter]

>> Hi, Charlie. >> Hi. >> Boy, this is weird, huh?

>> In so many ways. But which one caught your attention? >> Well, I've never slept with brothers

before. I mean, at different times, and one can't help but make comparisons. >> No kidding. So, how big a difference are

we talking about? >> It's huge. [laughter] >> Really?

>> Oh, yeah. With you, sex is kind of like going on Space Mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger.

>> With Allan, it's like being in the backseat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo.

[laughter] He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he'll get you there. [laughter]

Okay, thanks for clearing that up. [laughter] >> I'll get it.

>> There's a 2-hour wait for Space Mountain. [laughter] >> People do this every day. Drive to work

at 8 miles an hour. >> Pretty much. >> I'd have to kill myself. [laughter]

>> Oh, click. >> What? >> I just had a phenomenal business idea.

>> They haven't perfected personal jetpacks yet. Oh,

okay. I have another one. We buy a doughnut machine and put it in your trunk. [laughter]

>> Let's go back to the jetpacks. >> Hear me out. The next time you're stuck in a traffic jam, you just pop your

trunk and start selling donuts to all the other drivers. >> Uh-huh.

>> We'll call them grid nuts. Trunk brothers. [laughter]

Stop and go nuts. >> Charlie. Yeah, please stop talking. >> Okay, [laughter]

I got it. Drunken donuts. [laughter] >> We have to talk.

>> Not now. I need to drink a lot of beer, scratch my ass, and watch a whole bunch of girl on girl porn. [laughter]

>> Hello, Charlie. Eric, what are you doing here? Um, I came over to talk to you about a new account and you weren't

here. So >> So he invited me to Big Su for the weekend.

>> It's not what it sounds like. >> Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes and told me I had a tight little bread

basket. [laughter] >> No. Look, the other night at the party,

there was obviously a lot of friction between you two, and I'm really sorry. >> Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.

[laughter] How do you expect me to keep working for you now?

>> Gosh, I hope you will. I'll make it up to you. >> How? How could you possibly make up for

this incredible betrayal? >> I'll get you more money. >> Done. I'll get out.

[laughter] >> Thanks for the sweater. [laughter] >> He gave you a sweater.

>> Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you >> for what? I didn't get you anything. >> You stood up for our relationship.

What relationship? Alan, [laughter] we're not gay. >> No, but if we were, you wouldn't let

anybody steal me away. I think that's sweet. >> You need to stop this.

>> I was just trying to get more money out of them, and that's all there was to it. >> Whatever you say, Pokey.

[laughter] >> Hey, is the bread basket the front or the back?

>> The back. >> Oh, good. And it wasn't just a line. >> Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.

>> Give me a break. I haven't even been to bed yet. >> Well, perhaps it's time for you to

re-examine your club hopping, popper sniffing, disco lifestyle. >> I explained about that.

>> It doesn't matter, darling. You're here. You're queer. I'm used to it. [laughter] [singing]