Why You Self-Sabotage & How to Stop: Break the Cycle Today

The reason you self-sabotage [music] is because it allows you to predict what's going to happen. You know you're capable

of more. You know you could feel better, look [music] better, be better. So, why aren't you doing it? Why do you keep

stopping yourself before you've even started? Is it because you're lazy? Is it because you're incapable or you don't

have enough time? No, it's because in a really uncomfortable way, you like knowing what's going to happen. The

reason you self-sabotage is because it lets you predict your own disappointment. Because if you mess it

up yourself, it can't catch you off guard. And I didn't realize this for the longest time. I thought I had a

discipline problem. I thought I just wasn't that kind of person. But the truth was I was away seeing my

potential. I was just attached to it. Addicted to being someone who could be more, but never actually having to prove

it. In this video, we're going to talk about what self-sabotage looks like, how it shows up in your life, and why we do

these things. And most importantly, what helps with self-sabotage? Because having all this knowledge is great, but if you

don't know how to take action to actually improve your life and be better, then what's the point? So, this

is the agenda for today, and [music] let's get started. What does self-sabotage actually look like?

Self-sabotage is not dramatic and it's not that obvious. It's subtle, and it looks maybe like your normal life. It's

you staying in bed all weekend, even though you know you have ideas, you know you want to start these projects, and

you have these plans. Now, because it's the weekend, you have the time. But, here you are sitting and scrolling in

bed when [music] you could be doing more. It's starting something and then stopping the moment it gets too real.

It's telling yourself, "I'll do it later." every single time. It's overthinking something simple until you

lose the spark to do it. It's avoiding opportunities you prayed for a few months ago. It's knowing exactly what to

do and still not doing it. If you recognize yourself in these examples, first of all, same. And second of all,

you're probably wondering, "So, why do I do this?" It's not because you're lazy, and it's not because you can't do more.

Because logically, once you recognize that you can do it, you should be able to just do it, right? But, you can't.

And the reason why is because we self-sabotage. Self-sabotage shows up as procrastination, perfectionism,

avoidance, overthinking, starting and not [music] finishing, and self-doubt at the worst possible moment. It's you

interfering with your own progress the moment something starts to [music] matter. And it's when your actions don't

match what you say you want, right? So, you want to improve, but you avoid starting. [music] And you want

consistency, but you end up disappearing. Or you want growth, but you pull back. And the most important

part is that self-sabotage isn't a fear of failure. [music] It's a fear of hope. It's a fear of

feeling fully invested in something and still being disappointed. You know, you don't ghost your progress because you

don't believe in yourself. You ghost your progress and you ghost yourself because the last time you believed,

maybe it didn't work out. Maybe you were disappointed with the results and it's not what you wanted. It's you triggering

the fire alarm before the fire can reach you or before the fire is even there. There's a lot of reasons why people

self-sabotage, but I think the first one is because success feels like exposure. It's not wanting something that's scary,

but it's being seen >> [music] >> wanting it and working towards it. The

second you move towards a desire, even if it's small, it becomes visible. People can comment on it, people can

question it, people can misunderstand it or reject it. And that openness and that vulnerability is uncomfortable.

Personally, the way this shows up in my life is how long I waited to start this YouTube [music] channel. Like, it took

me years even though I had scripts planned and I had ideas and I had a camera and a mic and everything, but I

just never did it because I didn't want to be seen struggling. And it is a struggle. YouTube is so hard to grow on

in the beginning because, like, I have videos that took me like 5 days to make and they get 100 views. and that crushes

my soul, honestly. The second reason is that the familiar feels good. Comfort doesn't mean pleasant, but it is

comfort. It means known. I actually have a whole video on this where I I think my old title was that comfort should be

rebranded as comf-rott [music] because you're basically rotting when you're like staying in the zone of

comfort, but I changed the title cuz it was not getting views. But I was really proud of that title.

It made me feel like, "Wow, she's a wizard with words." But yeah, I have a whole video on that if you want to watch

it. But it's basically us staying in patterns even if they're draining just because they're familiar. A common

example is that you want love, like a really healthy and good relationship and a great partner, but you keep choosing

people who are actually not good for you because they are what your nervous system and what you have known in the

past, right? Like maybe you were with someone who was mean to you, but because that's all that you've known, that's

what you keep gravitating towards even though you know it's bad for you. But that's just what's comfortable for your

brain. Another example is that you can want financial stability, but you still are overspending or you don't regulate

your spending and you don't track your spending because that's just what's comfortable even though you know that

you should do that to have financial stability. Anything unfamiliar, even if it's wonderful, it feels like a threat,

a threat to your comfort and a threat to your security, which is, by the way, like [music] fake. Comfort is fake and

sabotage self-sabotage becomes a way of bringing back your life to the level that you have historically tolerated.

Three is that you might be protecting yourself from disappointment, which is a big one because if, again, if you don't

fully invest, you can't fully lose, you know? So you just stay halfway in. The moment you name a desire, you invite a

bunch of questions that you may not want to face. Do I deserve this? Will I fail at it? Will people laugh? Am I built for

this? And what if this dream is too big for me? And then you retreat because you're

scared of the answers to all these questions. What makes wanting something so intense is how clearly it shows in

the distance of your present patterns versus the life that you imagine for yourself. That distance is what makes

wanting so so hard to get over. And sabotage is your way to avoid these internal audits and this just that

wanting [music] it lets you stay exactly as you are untouched by the risk of becoming more. If no one sees you try,

no one can see you fail. And if no one can see you fail, you can keep pretending that you could have done it

if only you had chosen to. Like there's that choice that you just chose not to make because sabotage is easier than

disappointment. The fourth reason is that you are attached to your current identity. Every level up requires a

different version of yourself. And if you're attached to who you are and who you used to be, you cannot become better

than that. So much of our actions is based on the identity that we have built and we, you know, associate with

ourselves, right? Like if I see myself as someone who doesn't go to the gym often and who hates running, then I will

never be the kind of girl that wakes up at 6:00 a.m. to go running at the gym. You know, because your identity fuels

your actions. Another example is that if you told yourself, "I earn X amount of money every month." So when you try to

believe that you can earn Y or Z amount of money every month, that [music] becomes difficult because it requires

you to do two things. The first thing is setting goal of your old identity and the second thing is becoming someone

new, leveling up your identity. Five, you're probably used to feeling this way. Like you're used to feeling [music]

stuck and stressed and inconsistent and that's just what your baseline is. Which is not good. We're going to change

that. Six is that you're trying to stay in control because self-sabotage creates [music] predictable outcomes and

predictable pain feels safer than unpredictable success, [music] even though, you know, success is obviously

better. And seven, you subconsciously benefit from staying the same, even if you hate it. This is the most

uncomfortable one because a part of you is getting something out of staying stuck. You know, like you're getting

familiarity or you're getting safety or identity or the avoidance of risk. There's a part of you that benefits from

staying exactly as you are. [music] There was a point in my life where everything felt easy. That's when I was

doing full-time content creation in Malaysia. I think about that time of my life a lot because I keep trying to

figure out the multiple reasons why I left and why I felt like I had to go because sometimes I'm like, why did I do

that? I had so much things that were going for me. Like I had a lot of money, a lot of free products, there was a lot

of events and opportunities. So what was lacking that I [music] felt like I had to leave? I guess on the outside it

looked like everything was working and I was working hard, but internally something felt off because I wasn't

building towards anything. [music] Things were just happening to me and I was like disconnected from the actual

results. It almost felt like if everything [music] kept being given towards me, what am I actually earning?

And the part that is like hard for me to admit and realize is that I just felt unworthy. A big part of me felt like I

didn't deserve it. And instead of fixing that, I started away from it. [music] Even when things were going well

externally, I still found a way to disconnect and sabotage it internally. [clears throat]

And I think a lot of you probably have experienced this as well. You know, maybe you got what you wanted, but you

still feel off about it. And that resulted you pulling away. But it's not that we need suffering. That's not what

I'm getting at. What we do need is direction, effort, and something to move towards. Because without that, you don't

feel fulfilled. You will feel restless. And that restlessness is where self-sabotage starts creeping in. So

here's what helps. First, let's ask [music] ourselves better questions. Instead of asking yourself, why am I

like this? Ask, where do I benefit from staying exactly [music] the same? Like if you say that, oh my gosh, my life

sucks and I hate it here, then ask yourself, where do I benefit by staying exactly the same? This forces you to see

the function of your own behavior and makes you realize that your actions directly result in your life now. So

change the actions to change your life. The second thing is to please stop calling yourself lazy. Self-sabotage

isn't you hating yourself. It's you trying to [music] protect yourself. Ask yourself, what part feels unsafe right

now? Because that's the part that's running the show. I think just recognizing and knowing the difference

between laziness and self-sabotage helps a lot, and it helps a lot with the negative self-talk you might be giving

yourself in your own mind, because it happens to everyone. Just the other day, I couldn't bring myself to do work. Like

I was just in bed and I was scrolling on TikTok and I was like scrolling endlessly, but I knew in the back of my

head that there were things I wanted to get done and I had things actually planned to be done,

>> [music] >> and that sucks. But instead of calling myself lazy, I dug a bit deeper and I

was like, "Why am I feeling this way?" And I realized it's because I feel

overwhelmed. It's not that I'm lazy and I don't want to do the work. There's just so many things happening right now

and so many things and plans that I want to get done and get started on that I felt so overwhelmed and I was paralyzed

by all these ideas. So, what I did instead is I just journaled everything and wrote down everything I wanted to do

and how I can re-plan it for the next day or the next week, and that helped a lot. I didn't actually end up doing

anything that day besides the journaling and the planning, but it was a good step to stop, you know, talking bad about

myself and stop feeling bad and just recognizing that I feel overwhelmed and that's okay. The third thing you can do

is name the fear. Every desire you have also has a fear inside [music] it. So, maybe it's a fear of being seen, it's a

fear of failing, it's a fear of succeeding, which is actually a thing, and [music] the fear of changing. The

moment you name the real fear, sabotage loses half its power, because once you name it, [music] it becomes manageable.

These first three tips require a fair bit of self-introspection and like journaling and asking yourself these

questions, but I think it's really worthwhile to do it because it makes a difference [music] with how you

understand yourself and how you treat yourself internally. So, yay. The fourth thing that you can

do to help with yourself is to lower the stakes. You don't need to become your best self overnight, and you probably

shouldn't try to do that, because that's an extreme jump, and that's a bit crazy, and you will burn out. You just have to

start smaller and start smaller than you think. Find the next smallest step and make it hard to avoid. Like, if I wanted

to go to the gym every morning and become a running girly, my next small step would just be to set my clothes the

night before, like set my shoes, set my gym clothes, so I can just >> [music]

>> wear it, and maybe I can just do a few stretches. I don't even have to run. I just have to get into the motion of, you

know, that small step [music] of getting ready, getting prepared, by stretching and mentally, and then eventually I'll

feel prepared enough to start running in the morning. [music] And I don't want to try to run every

morning. I'll try to run once or twice a week, and then every other day, and then maybe every day if I feel like it. But

doing things slowly and one small step at a time >> [music]

>> makes the biggest difference. The what what's that quote? It's like, you can't eat an elephant in one whole thing, but

[music] you can start and you will eventually finish. I'll find it and put it on the screen because I can't

remember, but I remember something about like eating an elephant, but the way you eat an elephant is one small bite at a

time, because the elephant is huge. [music] And that's your goals. Your goals and your wants and dreams are

huge, and all you need to do is do one small bite at a time. And then the reason these small steps are going to be

so helpful is because in step five, [music] which is to build proof and not just pressure, this is the proof that's

being [music] built. Every time you complete a small step, a small goal toward your big goal, that's proof that

you can do it, and that proof builds your confidence. And as your confidence grows, you're going to feel like

naturally more capable of doing more. Because confidence doesn't come from thinking, it comes from doing. [music]

It comes from completing an action that you said you would do, even if it's something tiny. You know, these small

wins will stack up over time, and they make a huge difference. The sixth thing you're going to have to do is that you

have to learn to tolerate uncertainty. This is the real core of it, because growth doesn't always show immediate

results. [music] There are no guarantees, and there's no constant reassurance once you start moving. I

don't know if you've watched my luck video. If you haven't, go check it out. It's about how to create your own luck.

But one of the things that you don't realize is that one random action can be the catalyst for a huge change. You just

don't know which action it is. So, you just have to keep making as many actions as you can, putting as many inputs for

the output. And one of them will make a difference. Not all of your actions will make a difference, but the one that does

will make a huge difference. [music] You know, like 10% of your work is what actually gets you seen and what actually

makes a difference. But the other 90% has to exist for there to be the 10%. >> [music]

>> So, everything matters, but you just can't predict which action will actually matter. So, you have to get used to the

feeling of uncertainty. Like, you don't know which action it is and you don't know what the result will be, but you

just have to, you know, kind of blindly believe in your own ability and your own faith. A lot of our instincts as human

will be to >> [music] >> check and doubt and pull back and

double-check, but that's where you have to fight it and you have to just trust and keep going. [music] What I find

helps a lot is making like a small menu for myself. Like a menu that's low pressure, that I can do every day, that

will get me one step closer every day. Self-sabotage lies in the question of what should I do today? Like the

indecisiveness that you have every day and like that kind of grappling on what you should do to make your plans happen.

So, having a small menu of things that you know you want to do, that will help immensely. Wanting something deeply will

always activate vulnerability, [music] but that's part of the cost of a meaningful life. Let's shift the mindset

of self-sabotage being a bad thing because it doesn't have to be your enemy. You can use sabotage as kind of a

flashlight. It shows you exactly where you're afraid, exactly where you don't trust yourself yet, and exactly where

you need gentleness rather than discipline. And once you understand that, desire stops feeling like a threat

>> [music] >> and desire starts feeling like an invitation. Thank you so much for

watching this video. I really hope it helped. If it did, please comment down below if you have any other tips for

self-sabotage or any other topics you'd like me to talk about. And if you are interested, you should check out this

video, which is about Orpheus and Eurydice. This myth that's so tragic and so sad, but a lot of the themes and the

interpretations [music] that I have gathered from it kind of relate to self-sabotage and you know, the

inability to get over doubt and [music] have faith. I hope to see you there or in another video and I'll see you next

time. Bye.